Backsliding

I feel like I'm moving backwards. I'm just having a really hard time right now. I think this has a lot to do with the anniversary of my third loss coming up soon. It's also been almost a year since my last pregnancy. Granted, we took a break from actively trying for a while, but we weren't doing anything to prevent pregnancy. I'm beginning to worry that we're going to need help getting pregnant as well as staying pregnant. Most days I still can't believe that this is our reality.

I have a lot of anxiety about this cycle. If I'm not pregnant, I'm scheduling an appointment with my doctor to discuss starting fertility treatments, which is scary. I'm also afraid of being pregnant. Tim and I have a mini-vacation planned for our 5th Anniversary coming up soon, and I'm terrified of another loss ruining our trip. I feel like I can't win. Unless, of course, I am pregnant and get to keep this one, but thoughts like that offer hope. If I don't get my hopes up, I can't get hurt, right? Okay, so I know that's not true at all, but I feel like I've earned the right to be a little delusional from time to time.