Trying Again

You know you're ready to try again after a loss when your desire to have a baby outweighs your fear of another loss. I got to that place more quickly than I expected. That's not to say that I wasn't scared, I was terrified, but I wanted a baby more. We got pregnant again fairly quickly in November of 2010. I felt so optimistic about that pregnancy. I was due August 16, 2011, a week after the one year anniversary of our loss. I called my doctor as soon as we found out and they had me come in for blood work. The blood pregnancy test was barely positive and my progesterone was very low (1.1, they want it at at least 10). I started progesterone supplements and prayed we would get to bring this baby home.

On December 11, 2010, I started spotting again. By that night, I was passing clots and tissue and I knew it was over. I went in for blood work a few days later and my HCG was already back down to zero. It was what is called a chemical pregnancy, which is basically a very early miscarriage. They are very common and most women who have them never even realize they're pregnant, when they start bleeding they think it's just their period. Since chemical pregnancies are so common, my doctors didn't want to do any testing just yet. I was told we didn't have to wait to start trying again, and to start progesterone as soon as I got another positive test as a precaution.

I think the second loss was actually a lot harder on me than the first. I had convinced myself that the miscarriage was a one time thing and my next pregnancy would be perfectly healthy. I was devastated and heartbroken yet again. My sweet Piper kept asking me why I was sad.

After taking a short break, then trying again for a few months, we found out we were pregnant yet again in May 2011. I tried to stay positive and hopeful, but I was very detached from that pregnancy. I started the progesterone immediately and prayed pretty much non-stop that this would be the one we would get to keep. We were due January 24, 2012. A new year, a fresh start. Unfortunately, our sweet January baby was not to be either. I began bleeding 5 days later; another chemical pregnancy. Broken-hearted once again, and wondering where we go from here, I feel so broken and defeated. I'm currently searching for a new OB and waiting until we can afford to start doing testing.

That's pretty much the short version of our journey up until now. We started trying in January 2010, and here we are 19 months later with empty arms and broken hearts.