This is so Unfair

This is how I've been feeling lately. I've been in such a funk, and I don't really know why. (Actually, I have a pretty good idea why, but that's a different post for a different day.) Usually when I start feeling down, it's because I have a tough date coming up, but my next tough date isn't for another month. This journey is such a roller coaster ride, with many ups and downs. I seem to cycle through times of feeling hopeful and times of feeling hopeless. Right now I'm feeling hopeless. We've been doing this for too long. I don't know how people can try to conceive for five or ten (or more) years. It's so draining and sometimes I feel like throwing in the towel. My desire keeps me going, but it's definitely taking a toll on me. I have so much on my mind and so much on my heart. It's starting to affect my day to day. I'm exhausted. All.the.time. I'm sleeping, but I don't feel rested at all when I wake up. I'm dreaming a lot, too, which is unusual for me. Someone told me that meant I was stressed. Stressed doesn't even begin to cover it.

When I get down and start feeling this way, it makes me start to question God, which I HATE. I just wish I could understand. I have to believe that everything happens for a reason. I have to trust His will and His timing. It's just so hard to do sometimes. Especially when I look at the world around me and I just don't get it. I just have to remember that God sees things that I can't. Maybe I have to go through this valley now in order to experience something greater than I can even imagine later. Or maybe He's allowing me to experience this pain now to avoid a greater pain in the future that I don't even know I need saving from. (Thank you, Pastor, for that message last week.) I honestly don't know and probably never will. As much as I would like to understand, I have to remember that God has a plan for my life and His ways are greater than my ways.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28