Hello, 2013

Most people see the new year as a fresh start, a clean slate. I used to think of it that way too, but now I just see it as a continuation. We've officially been trying for three years. At the end of 2010, I thought, 2011 just has to be a better year. I thought the same about 2012. Surely, it would finally be our year. Unfortunately, every year has just been more of the same. Heartache, loss, and disappointment.

That's not to say that each year hasn't had it's good times, too. Sometimes, when you're going through something tough, it's harder to see the blessings. I truly am blessed, and I am thankful. 2012 wasn't all bad.

• We took Piper to Disney World. (Which was a blast!)
• Tim and I got to get away for a long weekend.
• Piper danced in her 2nd recital.
• I finally got a diagnosis.
• Tim and I celebrated 7 years together and 5 years married.
• My sweet Piper turned five.
• We fell in love with our precious Quinn, who is resting in Jesus' arms until we get there.
• We're still breathing and we wake up each day with everything we need, and a lot of what we want.

I've decided to go into 2013 without expectations. I hope that 2013 marks the end of this season in my life, but I'm not expecting it to be any different than the past three years. Can you have hope without expectation? I just don't trust my body anymore. How can I expect anything other than failure, when failure is all I've known?

I realize this sounds like I'm not in a great place, but I promise I'm in a much better place than I've been in months. It probably sounds like giving up, but it's really more about letting go. I truly hope that 2013 is our year. I really, really do. We're going to keep trying. We're going to keep doing fertility treatments. We're going to keep hoping that I'll get pregnant again and that the next one will stick. At the end of the day, though, I'm not in control. I can only pray for patience while I wait and see what God has in store for me.