I'm a Liar

When I found out about this last pregnancy, I prayed two things. First, I asked for peace. God granted me that. I was very much at peace, though I think I may have misinterpreted it. I took that feeling of peacefulness as a sign that it would be different this time. Obviously, that wasn't the case.

Secondly, I told Him that I accepted His will in all of this. That wasn't true, though.  I only accepted His will if it lined up with what I wanted. If this was a test, then I failed miserably. I've spent the last several weeks feeling angry. Very angry. I've been mad at God. I've questioned Him. I've yelled at him. I've asked Him what I did to deserve this. I don't like feeling this way, but I think He understands.

I haven't turned my back completely. Honestly, there is no way I could make it through this without my faith. I've kept going to church. I've continued to listen to Christian music in the car. I still pray and read my bible. I just needed to be mad for a little while. I trust Him, even when it's hard. I know that one day I'll be able to look back on all of this and say it was completely worth it. I just hope that day comes soon.