Do you ever just need to cry?

I cried myself to sleep last night. I haven't done that in a really long time. I had a really rough day yesterday and I was feeling very sorry for myself. I cried until I couldn't breathe. I had no tears left and I was still sobbing. I know what brought it on, but by the end I'm not even sure what I was crying for.

I hate infertility. I hate miscarriage. I hate that I never got to hold my babies. I hate that I never even got know if they were boys or girls. I hate the uncertainty of the future. I hate the worry. I hate the pain. Sometimes I hate the desire and pray for God to just take it away. I hate that someone else's happy news feels like a knife in my heart. I hate that I haven't been able to give Piper the baby sister she prays for every night. I hate that I haven't been able to give Tim another child. I hate the bitterness that creeps in sometimes. I hate all of the little reminders that slap me in the face when I least expect it. I hate that this is my reality, and so, I cried.

I think I needed it. Crying can be a great release. I woke up with swollen, puffy eyes and a killer headache, but I slept better last night than I have in a while.