I Almost Forgot

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of Avery's due date, and I almost didn't remember. I felt like a terrible mother. It's okay if the pain goes away. It's okay if my heart starts to heal. But I don't ever want to forget, especially since I'm the only one who remembers. It's funny how the feelings seem almost sub-conscious. I was having a really sad day before I even realized what the date was.

The due dates don't affect me in the same way as the loss dates. They're not quite as difficult, but I think that's because they represent something completely different. My babies' due dates represent what could have been, what should have been. They represent the hopes, plans, and dreams we had; if only for a short time. The days we would have been welcoming our precious babies into the world. I try not to get caught up in the "should haves." I can't change what happened and dwelling on it won't help anything. I don't keep up with how old they would be or how pregnant I would be. That would just drive me crazy. The due dates are the days I allow myself to be sad and mourn what could have been.

The loss dates represent what is. They represent the pain, the heartache, the grief, and the tears. Those are the really hard days for me. Those days take me back to a very dark, painful place. I can't imagine ever forgetting a loss date. I don't want to forget the pain, but I don't want to forget the hope, either.