Running a Race

Sometimes, I feel like I'm in the middle of a track on a treadmill. I keep running and running, but not getting anywhere, while everyone else just keeps lapping me.

I know that's ridiculous. I know this isn't a race. I know that someone else's fertility has absolutely nothing to do with mine. In my head, I know all of these things, but that doesn't keep the bitterness and jealousy from creeping in sometimes.

I know several people who have three children all younger than my Piper. I know several who have had two babies just since I started trying for a second. I would never wish what I've been through (am going through) on anyone, but I can't help but feel a twinge of jealousy towards those people who can decide they want a baby, then pop one out nine months later. It seems incredibly unfair that people accidentally get pregnant all the time, while I'm here desperately trying to conceive and stay pregnant. (That seems so strange for me to say when my own "accidental" blessing is sitting in the floor doing a puzzle right now.) I can't understand why God blesses people who don't appreciate it, or even worse, throw it all away.

So, yes, sometimes I am bitter and jealous. I hate feeling that way, but I can only feel what I feel. I try not to let it linger. After all, as I've said before, I don't want their blessings. I want my own.