I'm still hurting. A lot. It's hard not to get caught up in what "should" be. I "should" have an almost 4-month-old baby. Or I "should" be 37 weeks pregnant. Or I "should" be 14 weeks pregnant. When I see a pregnant belly, it hurts. When I see a newborn baby, it hurts. It doesn't mean I'm not happy for them, because I am. It's not a jealousy thing either, regardless of what people seem to think. It's just a reminder of what I've lost. What I don't have, but I "should." What I want so badly. So if you're pregnant, and you've noticed me keeping my distance, please try not to take it personally. I'm just trying to protect my heart.
I feel like everyone expects me to just get over it and move on. I wish there was a way to make people understand the pain of pregnancy loss without having to experience it themselves. I will never be "over it." It's not something you just get over. I'll never be back to "normal," because this experience has forever changed me. I'll find a new normal, and over time my heart will heal, but it won't happen over night. I realize that I'm the only one my babies were really real to and I'll never forget them, because if I do it'll be like they never even existed.
I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. Every day that I manage to keep breathing, I count as a success.
Oh gosh Ashlee! One- I had no idea you were going through all this and Second- VERY well said! You are such a strong woman to keep trying, knowing that the outcome could be unfavorable again. My husband's sister had numerous miscarriages and was told she could never have children but she refused to give up. Today- 13 years after that horrible news and more miscarriages, she has given birth to 4 healthy children! Keep looking up Girl, you are an amazing woman and things will work out in the end.
ReplyDeleteOh Ashlee, my heart aches to read this. But you are 100% right! With any loss you just have to deal with it they way that you need to, no matter what anyone else says or does. I love ya, and I am enjoying getting to know you more. If you ever need someone, I am here :)
ReplyDeleteI love you, Ashlee!! I wish I could make it all better for you. Even though I am not a mother and I have never experienced what you have. My heart is with you. God has a plan for you and your family in His timing! I'm here for you anytime you need someone's shoulder. You are a super strong woman that I have looked up to for years! I love you!!
ReplyDeleteAshlee, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I say going instead of gone because it's a different emotion everyday. Just know that I'm here for you. I mean that truly it's not a "scripted answer" you give someone. If you want to scream and yell, I'll listen. If you want to cry, I have a shoulder. I'll even sit and eat oreos with you! I love you girl, you are such a wonderful person.
ReplyDeleteThanks ladies! Your support and kind words really mean a lot!
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