4 Years

Four years ago today, I was heartbroken and devastated as we suffered our first miscarriage. I was also hopeful that it was just a fluke and could not have even began to imagine the journey that started that day.

This morning, I laid in bed a few extra minutes and listened to my boys talking in their cribs. Having twins is hard. I mean really, really hard. There are so many beautiful moments, though. I couldn't imagine life without both of my precious boys. They're the answer to so many prayers. I cried countless tears begging God for just one more baby only to find myself heartbroken again and again and again.

Now those arms that felt so empty are not only full, but overflowing. My prayers were answered and I was blessed in a way I never could have imagined.

When I logged into my Timehop app this morning, this post from three years ago and this post from two years ago popped up. How different things looked then. Sometimes it's hard to go back and remember those raw, painful emotions. I know the hurt will never completely go away and I'll certainly never be the same person I was, but a lot of healing has happened in the past year and a half.

There was a time when all I did was dwell. These days, I don't allow myself to go back very often. My present is so full and so busy that I don't really have time to focus on the past. But today, as I sat in the floor playing with my sweet boys, I let myself remember. I remembered my sweet Peyton, my precious baby that I hold in my heart instead of my arms, and I wondered who s/he would have been. I remembered how much that little soul was wanted and loved. I remembered the physical pain and the emotional pain. Today I let myself be sad for a little while.