Tired

That's how I'm feeling these days. Just tired. Of all of it. Tired of trying. Tired of hurting. Tired of the disappointment. Tired of doctor appointments. Tired of getting my hopes up every.single.month. I'm just tired.

This last cycle was complete bust. Dr. C is pretty sure I had an anovulatory cycle. I was so hopeful that the "Disney Magic" was going to work out for us, and we never even had a chance this month. I'm so disappointed and frustrated.

On my way home from the doctor, I was talking to my best friend, telling her about my appointment, when I saw the strangest thing. There was a partial rainbow sticking out of the bottom of the clouds. There wasn't a single raindrop in sight. In fact, it hadn't rained all day. Allison told me it was a sign. I was feeling angry and upset, so I just kind of rolled my eyes, but I couldn't stop thinking "God keeps His promises."

But... How do I know that He has promised me another baby? That's the real problem, I don't. It makes me angry when people tell me they just "know" that I'm going to have another baby, because they don't know that. There's no way they possibly could. I have no idea if that rainbow was a sign. I have no idea what my future holds. He knows my heart. He knows how deep and burning this desire is. But will He fulfill it? I don't know. Ultimately, I have to trust His will for my life, even though it's hard.

I never believed I was meant to only have one child. Even after a few losses, I still truly believed God would bless us with another baby. I just don't know how to believe anymore.