Bitterness and Envy

I'm not sure why it is that just because those who have lost a pregnancy or are struggling with infertility are sensitive to pregnancy-related things, we're labeled bitter. I got called bitter for the first time yesterday, and I really didn't appreciate it. The envy card was also played and I felt somewhat attacked, so I decide some clarification was needed.

I'm perfectly capable of being happy for someone else and being sad for myself at the same time. Do pregnancy announcements sting? Yes. Does that mean I'm bitter? No. Hearing about another woman's pregnancy just reminds me that I'm not pregnant and I desperately want to be. It also reminds me that my body has failed me three times and I don't know if I will ever have another healthy pregnancy. It just makes me sad for me, but that doesn't keep me from being happy for the other person. A baby is a gift and a blessing from God. Period. It also doesn't bother me to see pregnant strangers. I have no idea what someone else has been through. 1 in 8 couples of child-bearing age struggle with infertility and 30% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. They may have traveled a path more difficult and heart-breaking than mine. I simply don't know.

Now, I'm not claiming that I never feel bitterness. I'm human and I'm far from perfect. Sometimes, pregnancy announcements do hit a nerve, and I want to scream, "It's not fair!" Usually, though, the bitterness creeps in when I see or hear about children being mistreated. When I see the news report about a mother who has murdered her children; or when a woman jerks her baby up out of the stroller by its arm; or the lady at the grocery store with 6 kids in tow, yelling and cussing at them the entire time. In moments like those it's hard not to think, "God, why them and not me?" Then I remember that His ways are greater than my ways. I may not understand it, and I certainly don't like it, but His will is perfect.

Now, let's move on to envy. It really infuriates me when I'm accused of being envious of pregnant women. This is simply untrue. Finding out another woman is pregnant doesn't lessen my chances of becoming pregnant. I'm not envious of them because they aren't pregnant with my baby, with our baby. I don't want their baby. The hurt comes from the reminder of what I've lost. I want my babies back. I don't want what they have, because what they have is uniquely theirs. Created by (hopefully) their love. I want our babies, the ones that are uniquely ours. That's not to say that I would only want children that are biologically ours, but any child God has ordained to be ours.

I really do believe that God will bless us with another child, but that doesn't really lessen the pain. The process of healing is long and hard. I am sensitive to a lot of things pregnancy-related, because the reminders take me back to a dark place, and I feel like I'm moving backward instead of forward. That doesn't make me bitter or envious. It just makes me human.